Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
