Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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