You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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