Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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