Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
