Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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