The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
