see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
