Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
