Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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