I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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