who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
