I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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