I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My hand turned me down
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
