Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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