I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
