mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
