I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
