Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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