He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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