break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
