That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
