I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
