i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
