took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
