she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
