why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
