People in love make me want to vomit
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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