I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
