Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
