my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
