If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
