I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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