Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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