grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
