Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
