Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
