Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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