I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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