god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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