and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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