Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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