I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
