he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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