i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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