How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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