We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
not ubering you a puppy
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
