I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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