dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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