why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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