I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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