Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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