shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
