Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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