How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
