So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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