ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.