Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
my being single is dangerous.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.