dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT