So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
