mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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