Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
