please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
