Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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